Buffalo Soldier

Living with Bipolar I Disorder

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I need to confess something. I had been vacillating about whether or not I really wanted to post about something so personal, but if I can play a tiny part in raising awareness about mental illness it's my duty to do so. Carrie Fisher, Demi Lovato, Catherine Zeta Jones, Britney Spears, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Marilyn Monroe and myself all have one thing in common.  What is that you ask, well we all live/lived with Bipolar Disorder. 

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I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder in February of 2015. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Bipolar I Disorder it’s a form of mental illness. People who are diagnosed with this have had at least one manic episode in their life. It brings severe high and low moods and changes your sleep, energy, thinking and behavior patterns. I was diagnosed when I was in a mania state. In other words, I had a ton of energy all the time, would only get a few hours of sleep at night, and was just all over the place. I didn’t really think anything of it though. I would second guess myself, asking why I would be participating in certain behaviors that were very unlike me.

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One weekend my behavior got really bad and landed me in the hospital. At the time I had no idea what was going on or where I was. As time went on though, I figured it out. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and it was quite the experience. Thankful for my faith in God and the support of my family I was able to get through this obstacle. When I was released it was probably one of the best days of my life. Not being able to run, work out, or just enjoy the outdoors was super difficult for me. I’m just blessed that I had such an awesome support system. Family is everything and when this all went down it really made me appreciate my family and true friends that much more.

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However when I was released from the hospital I had to withdraw from the University and fly back home to Buffalo, NY. I wasn’t very happy about this and it made me feel like a failure because I was supposed to graduate that spring semester. I was depressed when I arrived back home and the medication I was given made me gain weight and made me feel very sleepy. These were side effects but I couldn’t stop taking my meds because I didn’t want to have another relapse. I went through group therapy and one on one therapy sessions for several months.

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With time things were getting better and my body was getting used to the medication. I began running and working out again which made me happy but I was nowhere near my goal. I also started applying for different jobs because there was no way I was just going to sit around and do nothing. I also needed to save up to finish school and to find a place to live. I was able to get a serving job and made some pretty good money. I ended up buying my own car and began to look for places to live in Oxford. I found something and in late December of 2015 I journeyed back down South. 

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I was nervous and excited to come back to Oxford. I didn't know if people knew what happened so that's why I was apprehensive. I guess at the time I cared more of what people thought than I thought about myself and my own well being. Now I know the people who would think negatively of me shouldn't be in my life anyway. I've learned people are going to judge you no matter what and there is nothing you can do about it. This particular quote really stood out to me:

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"Let them judge you 

let them misunderstand you

let them gossip about you

Their opinions aren't your problem

You stay kind, committed to love,

and free in your authenticity.

No matter what they do or say

don't you dare doubt your worth 

or the beauty of your truth.

Just keep on shining like you do."

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Once I arrived back in Oxford I enrolled in my remaining classes, got a job, ran, worked out, kept my faith and stayed positive. It's been a year since I moved back and I have really grown as a person. The beauty of life though is that you continue to grow and learn everyday. I accept myself for who I am and I'm not afraid to own it.

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